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- It's my life, my funeral.......or is it?
It's my life, my funeral.......or is it?
Jared Jerotz
August 21, 2024
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In this issue:
TechTest: On the top right of this newsletter, you have the option to listen online. Drop us a comment if the tech works as flawlessly as we think it should.
Meet Margaret Anderson - Her funeral wishes.
Quick glimpse of today’s global news-check out 1440 Media ⬆️
The Final Step - Funerals Statistically Speaking
Awkward Conversations 😟
How would you like to be memorialized?
Our mission in hospice is to educate.
Resources and Quick Links for our HospicePass Village 📒
Margaret’s Vision of what she wants it to be
A Green Goodbye - That’s what I’d like.
Meet Margaret Anderson
Margaret Anderson, an 82-year-old widow from a small town in Minnesota, sat in her favorite armchair, staring out the window at the late summer landscape. The leaves were beginning to turn, hinting at the long winter ahead. She had always loved this time of year, but now, as she faced the final chapter of her life, everything felt different. The crisp air that once invigorated her now made her cough, a reminder of the lung cancer that was slowly taking over her body.
She had always been a strong woman, proud of her independence and her ability to make decisions with a clear head. But now, as she navigated the early stages of hospice care, Margaret found herself overwhelmed by the complexity of her own wishes. More than anything, she wanted a green funeral, a simple, environmentally-friendly burial that honored her love for nature and her desire to leave as light a footprint on the earth as possible.
But her children, Sabrina and Joseph, didn’t understand. They insisted on a traditional funeral like the one they’d had for their father. Margaret’s late husband, Richard, had been buried in the family plot at the local cemetery, and her children couldn’t fathom why she wouldn’t want the same. Their conversations about her final wishes had become increasingly difficult, filled with misunderstandings, anxiety, and stress.
One afternoon, after a particularly tense conversation with Sabrina, Margaret sat in her chair, feeling the weight of her illness and the strain of their discussions. Her breathing was labored, and the pain in her chest had been relentless that day. She closed her eyes and tried to relax, but the thought of leaving her children in such a state of discord made her heartache.
The Final Step of the Journey - The Funeral
Statistically speaking according to the National Funeral Directors Association:
60.5% cremation vs. 34.5% burial in 2023.
$7,848 is the national median cost of a funeral with a viewing and burial
60% of people are exploring “green” funeral options
53.1% of respondents attended a funeral at a non-traditional location
31.7% would prefer to have their cremated remains buried or interred in a cemetery as opposed to kept in an urn at home
$16.323. Billion is the revenue generated in the funeral industry
Awkward conversation…and yes, telling people what you want?
She thought back to the moment she first learned about green funerals. It had been a few years ago, during a documentary on television. The idea of being laid to rest in a simple shroud, allowing her body to return to the earth naturally, had resonated with her deeply. It seemed like the perfect way to honor her life and her values. But now, as she tried to explain this to her children, she realized how foreign the concept was to them.
“Mom, why would you want something so… unconventional?” Sabrina had asked, her voice laced with frustration. “Dad was buried with dignity, in a place where we can visit him. Why wouldn’t you want the same?”
“Because I want to give back to the earth,” Margaret had replied, her voice barely above a whisper. “I’ve taken so much from it in my life. This is my chance to return something.”
Joseph had sighed heavily, shaking his head. “We just don’t get it, Mom. Why can’t you just go with tradition? It’s what everyone expects.”
Everyone expects. The words echoed in Margaret’s mind. She had never been one to conform to others’ expectations, and she didn’t want to start now. But she also didn’t want to leave her children burdened by regret or resentment after she was gone. The tension between her wishes and their understanding was tearing her apart, and she could feel the toll it was taking on her already fragile health.
Have you thought about how you’d like to be memorialized?
A father is cremated. His two sons take a road trip from So California to Wyoming to spread his ashes, on the land where he was raised.
A grandmother was buried, in the one cemetery located in Palm Springs (1970’s). After a battle with lung cancer, there was no plan, and only one Rabbi agreed to perform a service. Forget about being buried on the Jewish side when you don’t belong to a local temple.
A grandfather/father passes away and is cremated. His ashes sit in an urn on a shelf in his daughter’s home.
A husband/father passes away unexpectedly. Hundreds of people show up for the funeral, he’s buried in a beautiful casket, in a plot next to his mother, followed by a lovely celebration of life event at a local venue. Additional plots are reserved for immediate family members when that time comes.
During our visits with hospice patients and their families, the final step should be a topic of discussion. You may be asked for recommendations or suggestions.
For our loved ones who are aging, we should be asking what their wishes may be when it comes to celebrating their life.
There are dozens, upon dozens of options and questions.
Cremation or burial?
Green or traditional?
Will your service be at the place you practice your religion or in a barn on a farm, in the state you grew up in?
Are there religious traditions you’d like included and do the people planning your funeral understand the importance?
Do we split up your ashes if being cremated amongst the family or is there only one sole bearer of the urn?
Who’s paying for all of this - whatever the decision may be?
Our mission is to educate during this process.
Determined to find a way to bridge the gap, Margaret reached out to her hospice nurse, Linda, who had been a source of comfort and support since she’d entered hospice care. Linda listened patiently as Margaret explained her situation, her voice trembling with the strain of holding back tears.
“I just want them to understand,” Margaret said, her voice breaking. “I want them to see that this is what’s right for me.”
Linda nodded, her eyes filled with compassion. “It’s not easy, Margaret. But I think the best way to help them understand is through education. Have you thought about bringing in someone who specializes in green funerals to talk with them?”
Margaret hadn’t considered that, but the idea gave her a glimmer of hope. If her children could hear from someone knowledgeable, maybe they’d see why this was so important to her.
“I can help you find someone,” Linda offered. “There are resources out there, but they’re not always easy to find. We can do this together.”
HospicePass Resources
As we continue to build this village at HospicePass, we’ve promised resources. If you find yourself in need of information, a referral, a phone number, or a tool to help your patients and families, the list below is a great starting point. You can always email us with a special request if need be.
A vision of what I want it to be….
Margaret felt a wave of relief wash over her. For the first time in days, she felt like there was a way forward, a way to honor her wishes without alienating her children. She agreed to Linda’s suggestion, and within a few days, they had arranged for a local expert on green funerals to come to the house and talk with Sabrina and Joseph.
When the day arrived, Margaret was nervous, but she was also hopeful. The conversation was difficult at first, with Sabrina and Joseph expressing their concerns and confusion. But as the expert explained the philosophy behind green funerals, their attitudes began to soften. They asked questions, and for the first time, Margaret felt like they were truly listening.
By the end of the meeting, Sabrina and Joseph weren’t entirely convinced, but they were more open to the idea. They promised to think about it and to consider their mother’s wishes with the respect they deserved. Margaret knew it wasn’t a complete victory, but it was a step in the right direction.
And this is how you will remember me.
As she lay in bed that night, Margaret felt a sense of peace that had eluded her for weeks. The pain was still there, and she knew the road ahead would be difficult, but she also knew she had done her best to communicate her wishes. Whatever happened, she felt a deep sense of relief knowing that she had tried to make her voice heard, and that, in the end, was all she could ask for.
Margaret closed her eyes, her breathing steady for the first time in days. She didn’t know what the future held, but she knew she was ready to face it, secure in the knowledge that she had taken steps to ensure that her final goodbye would be as gentle and as meaningful as the life she had lived.
In upcoming issues, we’ll discuss how religion plays a role in the way people would like to be remembered. It’s not necessarily complex, but when a person dedicates their life to practicing their beliefs in a specific way - we, collectively, should respect those decisions.
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