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I am not alright today. I am not ok.

Beneath the Surface

Maggie Harper sat in her car, gripping the steering wheel with white-knuckled hands. The rain pelted the windshield in rhythmic patterns, but she barely noticed. Her mind was miles away, replaying the events of the day in a relentless loop. Exhausted, physically and emotionally, but there was no room for rest in her life. Not when patients and their families were depending on her.

As a hospice nurse, Maggie had always prided herself on being strong—resilient in the face of the unthinkable. She had seen more deaths than she could count, held more hands as they went cold, and comforted more families as they fell apart. Her job demanded that she be the pillar of strength, the unwavering support in the storm of grief. But lately, that strength had started to crack.

Today had been particularly brutal. It started with a visit to the Carmichael household, where Mr. Carmichael was nearing the end of his battle with pancreatic cancer. His wife, a frail woman with eyes sunken from sleepless nights, had greeted Maggie with anger. “You’re not doing enough! He’s in pain, can’t you see that? You’re just letting him suffer!” Mrs. Carmichael’s voice had been shrill, her words cutting through the air like knives. Maggie had tried to explain that they were managing his pain as best they could, but it was no use. Mrs. Carmichael was drowning in her fear of losing her husband, and Maggie was the easiest target for her anguish.

“What mental health needs is more sunlight, more candor, and more unashamed conversation.” – Glenn Close

A recent study found that 93% of healthcare workers reported stress, 86% reported anxiety, 77% reported frustration, 76% reported exhaustion and burnout, and 75% said they were overwhelmed. Yet just 13% of front-line healthcare workers say they received behavioral health services.

Hospice care is no joke. You see more than your fair share of people’s pain and ultimate demise. You deal with the families that may not quite understand what is taking place and look to you to fix what is broken. You have to educate, alleviate pain, provide care, change bandages, and make the people you care for as comfortable as possible, knowing the end is near. You get the calls in the middle of the night when an alarm goes off or someone is struggling for air.

But who is taking care of you?  

Who’s taking care of you?

Later, at the Halverson residence, things had only gotten worse. Mr. Halverson, a retired firefighter with a stubborn streak, had always been a difficult patient. But today, the dementia had taken a cruel turn. As Maggie attempted to administer his medication, he lashed out, swinging his fists in wild, disoriented fury. One of his punches had connected with Maggie’s jaw, sending her stumbling backward. She didn’t blame him—he wasn’t himself anymore—but the pain, both physical and emotional, was undeniable.

By the time she reached her third patient, Mrs. Thompson, Maggie was running on fumes. Mrs. Thompson was in the final stages of ALS, her body wasting away while her mind remained painfully alert. The woman’s labored breathing filled the small room, a sound that had haunted Maggie’s dreams for weeks. She did her best to offer comfort, but the truth was, there was little she could do. Mrs. Thompson’s suffering was a relentless tide, and Maggie was powerless to stop it.

On the drive home, the weight of it all began to crush her. The losses over the past few months—the lives she couldn’t save, the suffering she couldn’t ease—hung heavy around her neck. She’d lost three patients in as many weeks, each one to a disease more horrific than the last. And every time she closed her eyes, she saw their faces, heard their final breaths.

“Your mental health is a priority. Your happiness is an essential. Your self-care is a necessity.” – Melody Beattie

  • Where do you turn to assist with your mental health?

  • Do you have someone close that you can unleash on?

  • Do you have a therapist?

  • Is there a person at work that will listen?

HospicePass is about providing information, and collecting resources, not only for your patients and families - but for you and your team. The least we can do is provide an easy way to find information. Let’s start with a few:

The wear and tear of the job had become a constant companion. The long hours, the endless driving from one patient’s home to the next, the traffic that seemed to snarl at her with malicious intent—it was all too much. But what choice did she have? She had to keep going, keep fighting for those who couldn’t fight for themselves.

Wear and tear - the constant companion.

Her employer didn’t see it, though. To them, Maggie was just another cog in the machine, a necessary piece in the puzzle of patient care. They didn’t see the tears she cried in the shower after a long day, the way her hands trembled when she finally crawled into bed at night, the dark circles under her eyes that no amount of makeup could hide. They didn’t ask if she was alright, because they didn’t care to know the answer.

Maggie had tried to talk to her supervisor once, to explain how she was feeling. But the response had been dismissive, a quick brush-off masked as encouragement. “You’re one of our best, Maggie. We need you out there.” And that was that. No mention of the burnout seeping into her bones, no offer of help or even a kind word. Just a reminder that she was needed, that she had to keep pushing forward.

Self-care is how you take your power back.” – Lalah Delia

Is it a cup of tea in the morning? Is it a long soak in a bath when you get home from a hard day? A glass of wine, or maybe something stronger and more potent. Whatever it may be, you have to begin the process of self-care.

The world is expensive today so HospicePass is here to help. We can’t send you candles and essential oils. But we can offer you an Annual Membership to Calm.

Respond to this email with your name and email address. Or subscribe and add your name and email to the comments section of this newsletter.

You’ll be automatically entered to win an Annual Premium Membership to Calm courtesy of HospicePass.

Our mission is to support everyone on every step of their mental health journey.

We're a mental health brand with the #1 app for sleep, meditation, and relaxation*, with over 150 million downloads and 2.5M 5-star reviews**.  We’re here to help you sleep more, stress less and live mindfully. 

Find Your Place of Peace. Do it for yourself.

Maggie knew she needed a break, a way to release the pressure building inside her. But where could she turn? Her friends had their own lives, their own struggles. They wouldn’t understand what it was like to watch someone die every day, to be the last face they saw before slipping away. She didn’t want to burden them with her darkness.

But she needed an outlet, something—someone—to help her find her way back to the light. She thought about calling a therapist, but the idea of trying to explain everything she felt seemed overwhelming. How could she put into words the depth of her exhaustion, the way it clung to her like a second skin?

Maggie closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady herself. She wasn’t alright, and she knew it. But admitting that to anyone else felt like a betrayal of the very strength she’d built her life around. Nurses were supposed to be strong, and unbreakable. But the truth was, she was breaking. And she needed someone to notice before it was too late.

As she finally stepped out of the car and made her way to the front door, Maggie wondered how much longer she could keep this up. How many more patients she could lose before she lost herself in the process? The thought terrified her, but it also stirred something else inside—a faint glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, someone would ask if she was alright. And when they did, she would finally have the courage to say no.

How do you manage your mental health?

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