Scarlet will take her secret to the other side when the time comes. That secret - that magical green thumb. The reason for keeping the secret isn’t because she refuses to pass along this mysterious tidbit of wisdom. People have always complemented her beautiful gardens.

The secret will remain because no one has ever asked how she does it.

Not a soul.

Scarlet grew up in the outskirts north of London. Her grandmother was a groundskeeper at the Cerney House Gardens, a romantic, secret place in the Cotswolds, near to Cheltenham, Gloucestershire. As a child Scarlet would wander through the gardens learning about the layered landscape of a proper English garden. She learned about the trees, the shrubs, the perennials and ground cover that made up this magnificent site. Begonias were her favorites. Her grandmother taught all the secrets of growing and maintaining this subtropical flower in this astute English garden.

Prior to WWII, Scarlet’s family found an opportunity to move to the United States. They made their way across the country and landed in the Pacific Northwest. Scarlet married had four children and ended up in Santa Rosa, CA. Her husband had passed years ago. Scarlet chose to stay in their home on multiple acres in the countryside. She enjoyed working at the local nursery, and she tended to her personal garden on a daily basis. She was even recognized by the city for having the most beautiful garden in the region. She was proud to have learned the secrets of gardening from her grandmother.

Why don’t we ever ask?

I was having lunch with my mother the other day. She’s in her early 80’s and healthy for the most part. There are the daily aches and pains that age automatically gifts us in our later years, but she’s well and lives a fairly normal, peaceful life.

During that lunch, we were discussing the HospicePass Newsletter and the topic came up. She’s been great about documenting her finances and has explained to me and my brother what will happen with her home, car, other important items when her time on this planet comes to an end. She provided a folder with paperwork, which includes a DNR, the location of a cemetery plot that she’d like to sell and some other items - I think?

But looking back at the conversation, we have never discussed what she really wants.

If something was to happen tomorrow:

• What are we doing?

• Do I have a key to your house? Are there other keys needed?

• Where are all of the passwords? Email addresses? Can we even get into your phone for contacts? Have you set up a Legacy Contact?

• Who is to be contacted? Is there an attorney? Financial person? CPA?

• What are your wishes for a burial? Type of casket? What’s the outfit you’ll be wearing? Jewelry - on or off? Open or closed? Inside or outside? Have you even thought about this? Who’s paying for it? Did you buy that insurance we talked about ten years ago? Do you get an AARP discount? Can I get an AARP discount?

• Or is it a cremation? Are we splitting the ashes up between the two boys or are we turning those ashes into diamonds? Do you want your ashes spread somewhere?

• Religious preference - I’m a non-practicing born Jew who’s never been to temple, that went to an all boys Catholic High School. Two of my three kids were baptized - one in a Christian church and the other on Easter Sunday in the local high school football stadium by a Baptist church we sometimes go to. Do you practice a religion?

• Where are we putting you? Geographically - where are we burying you?

• If you only had a couple days left, do you want to stay in a hospital or are you coming home under hospice care? My house? Your house? His house?

• Our family is small, but who else do I need to know about?

• What about all of the cousins on your side and how do we notify them?

• Where is Grandma buried in Palm Springs? All I know it’s not on the Jewish side of some cemetery in the desert.

• Is there something that you’d like to do, see, or visit? Timeframe is immediately? I don’t even know.

The list of questions is a mile long and we’ve never talked about most of it.

We need to talk. Or maybe not.

Scarlet felt the grains of sand in the hourglass of life picking up speed. She was very happy that her eldest daughter, Sally, brought her children to visit that Sunday afternoon. She knew the others were busy and could only hope of seeing the rest of the crew one day soon. But she knew that was most likely not going to be the case. Maybe a phone call if they can find the time.

Scarlet’s affairs were mostly in order, or at least she thought so. Most of the papers anyone would ever need are in the desk drawers located in the family room. She made certain to mention this to Sally as they made their way through the house that afternoon. There wasn’t much for her life was simple. A little money stashed away, trinkets and collectables, a handful of photo albums. She couldn’t recall what may be in the attic.

Gardening on a daily basis kept her alive for all these days, although it was getting harder. Her neighbor Sam, would visit a few times a week to bring her mail for the long driveway seemed to be getting longer. He’d help pick up loose ends around the house for a glass of freshly squeezed lemonade. She had also given Sam a list with phone numbers for Sally and Jon - her oldest kids - in case of an emergency.

I’d like to introduce you to…….

I recently had the pleasure of meeting Lisa Pahl, LCSW after politely stalking her on LinkedIn. Lisa and her partner, Lori LoCicero live by the common goal of helping people cope with illness, dying and grief that begins with meaningful conversations over time.

They’ve created The Death Deck Game and The End of Life Deck specifically to help families, caregivers, and healthcare providers facilitate conversations. These conversations are difficult, awkward, uncomfortable and these tools make starting those conversations a little easier.

NOTE TO SELF: As a hospice agency, your healthcare professionals overhear conversations taking place amongst family members, as well as the discussions they have with the people they care for. Guaranteed the alignment between someone’s wishes and what the family believes live on two separate planets.

If and when the time was right, providing your staff with a few decks for leave behinds would absolutely separate your hospice from the rest and enhance the care and compassion you are providing.

Note: this is not a paid advertisement. We simply endorse what Lisa and Lori have created and think you should know about it. That’s what HospicePass is all about.

Sally, the oldest daughter was taking care of the kids that morning. Breakfast, dishes, packing lunches for school. The news was on the television when she heard about a story of Tony Bennett’s daughters suing their brother over his handling of the late singer’s assets. “Oh, that’s a shame,” she commented to herself. “Mom loves Tony Bennett.” “You’d think they would have figured all of that stuff out.”

Little did she know that the unknown number that will be popping up on her phone in the next hour was from her mother’s neighbor, Sam.

Have the conversation. It’s only awkward if you make it that way.

How to create a Legacy Contact for your phone, Facebook:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xHJx7fZ3Gjs

Just because - every story at HospicePass has a few Easter eggs.